One more drop

He wanted it so desperately.

 One more drop. That was his only thought.  

One more drop. One more sip. One more glass. Anything to drown the pain. Anything to drown the reality of feeling utterly useless. Anything to cover up the truth that things were going wrong. That he made the mistake to ignore the truth. To ignore the one thing he ever cared about.

 Her!

His thoughts just whirled in his head as he stared through his bloodshot eyes around the messy room. He sat on his bed utterly resigned. He never meant it to go this far. He never meant it to hurt anyone.

It started with just you know the casual drink here and there. And he was never much of a drinker. He just enjoyed having a good glass of wine after a day's work. He enjoyed the few beers he drank with his pals at the bar. It did not make him an alcoholic. No, it did not.

What was the big deal?

It wasn't! Yet, it was always one more drink. That one drink leading to an extra hour away from home. That one drink that led to five more. That fifth leading to the eight which had him dragging his feet all the way home at five in the morning.

BUT I NEVER GOT DRUNK! That thought rang angrily with a shrill in the back of his mind.

He knew she was waiting. He knew he had responsibilities. But he was enjoying himself.  The music in the background. The great time with friends.

 Sometimes a MAN NEEDS TO GET AWAY! JEEZ!

Frustrated, he held on to his hair. Sometimes, he continued in his mind. Sometimes, I was just caught up.

The voice inside him grew faint. Sometimes, I was just caught up.

Again and again it repeated. Sometimes, I was just caught up.

And finally as tears ran down his shallow face as he sat on his bed with his head in his hands, as the anger died inside of him,  one  sole thought remained.

I'm sorry.

A new begining

I had to wake up 

I had been asleep for far too long

Drowning in my thoughts of unending misery

A perspective I painted alone

Suddenly I realized I accomplished nothing

I was no different than any other person 

standing in that room

The reality struck me, cold, stern, unyeilding,

I realized I was asleep in my mind and 

if....I remained as I am

I will head no where

Lost

Eternally in my own thoughts

Would my dreams lay asleep as old ghosts in shadows

No More! No Longer!

For Today I choose to Awake!

Today I choose to Rise!

*****************

Today I choose to Rise!

For Today I choose to Awake!

No More, No Longer, 

Would my dreams lay asleep as old ghosts in shadows

Eternally in my own thoughts

Lost

I will head no where

if... I remained as I am

I realized I was asleep in my my own mind

The reality struck me, cold, stern, unyielding

Standing in that room,

I was no different than any other person

Suddenly I realized I accomplished nothing

A perspective I painted alone

Drowning in my own thoughts of unending misery

I had been asleep for far too long

I had to wake up

-awaking-

He loves me, She loves me not.

I stand there staring at the window wondering why is it raining when I wish to go out. And hence decide to stay home instead. After an hour of lazing about and playing tetris. My phone rings and my life is busy all over again.

As I get ready to go out. He stares at me with forlorn eyes. My sweet little darling. My Strauss. My dog. He stares ever hopeful for a treat and with sad puppy dog eyes as I make my way to the door.

But as I put on my shoes I see someone at the laptop keying in her facebook statuses. Tapping noises heard as her fingertips make contact with the keyboard. Her face so much like mine.
Bye Karyn, I yell.

Mmm, she grunts. But Strauss stares still with sad eyes.

He loves me, She loves me Not.

Life lessons found here and there.

Lesson 1:

Naked Wife A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Be...fore she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.” After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks,… “Who was that?” “It was Bob the next door neighbor,” she replies. “Great!” the husband says, “Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?”

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, “I’ll give each of you just one wish” “Me first! Me first!” says the administration clerk. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.” Poof! She’s gone. “Me next! Me next!” says the sales rep. “I want to be in Hawaii,relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.” Poof! He’s gone. “OK, you’re up,” the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 3

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him,”Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?” The crow answered: “Sure, why not.” So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.

Lesson 4:

Power of Charisma A turkey was chatting with a bull “I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, but I haven’t got the energy.” “Well, why don’t you nibble on my droppings?” replied the bull. “They’re packed with nutrients.” The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bullshit might get you to the top, but it wont keep you there.

Lesson 5

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Moral of the story:
1. Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy
2. Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend
3. And when you’re in deep shit, it’s best to keep your mouth shut!

Ephiphany

As I turn 20, I have been having epiphanies. I have been coming to terms with growing older and no longer being a teenager (well mathematically speaking at least.). It has not been easy.

I have realized I have not achieved a great number of things I had set myself to do when I was younger.

Things to do before 20.

1. Ride a bike.
2. Learn how to ride a bike without the training wheels.
3. Donate blood. Willingly.
4. Join a Soup Kitchen. As a volunteer.
5. Sing on stage and perform with a musical instrument. (The last time I did that, it was the triangle.)
6. Draw and paint portraits.
7. Make friends pose for portraits.
8. Learn to drive.
9. Passing the driving exam and actually driving.
10. Rock Climbing.
11. Understand boys.

Ok so, I have managed to not be so much of a noob and have at least learn to drive and ride a bike (without the training wheels). Rock climbing on the other hand that is a different story.
And I am honest enough to say I am no where closer in understanding boys than I was 5 years ago.
They hate you, they like you, they want to touch your hair, they eat your food? See... boys are just so confusing. And they think we are strange.

Pfft. oh well life goes on.

At the end of the day. I think hitting the big 20 is not that big a deal.

ps: my b'day is two months. Presents please! =D